i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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