i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
