I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
