I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
