If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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