I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
