i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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