I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
