true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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