I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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