One girl and one boy is just not enough.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
