My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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