He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
