Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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