Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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