I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
