"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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