I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
she smelled like a LAN party
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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