just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
