alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
