I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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