3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
