Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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