U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
