ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
