So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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