He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
