Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
