i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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