Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
