Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
