NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm both gender and math confused
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
