Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
