he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
