the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
