Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i think im in europe. pls send help
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
