walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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