I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
