Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
When did angry sex become our thing?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
