It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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