Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
