I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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