I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
