In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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