It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
