just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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