he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
