Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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