I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
