one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I would ride that face into the sunset
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
